Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
