Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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