Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
