I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
