not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
