i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
