id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
