Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
