I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
