You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
