Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
