I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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