i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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