You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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