I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
