Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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