I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
