We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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