she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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