my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You are the jesus of drinking
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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