my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
