It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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