i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
