I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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