The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
