I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
