i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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