He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
