Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
