Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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