I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
3 2 1 whiskey
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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