hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
