cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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