Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
