I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
