So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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