I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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