i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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