I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
