I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
