The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
