Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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