I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
