I puked a lego.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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