yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
