3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Vodka?
Forever.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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