My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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