I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
