I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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