i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Randomize
