Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
