I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
