I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
